In 2019 as I was looking forward to the new year and new decade, the word “Joy” kept popping into my mind. Anticipating the coming months, with a new grandson to be born in February, and Allie and Josh’s wedding in September, I could see a year filled with family, celebration, and yes, joy. It seemed like everywhere I looked (ok I’ll admit it, I have a Pinterest addiction) I saw those cute little Scripture memes filled with verses about joy. I’ve never chosen a “theme for the year” before, but I thought I would declare 2020 THE YEAR OF JOY! And so began January.
Anyone who has been a student of the Bible for any length of time knows that the Scriptures don’t tell us that following Christ means your life will be all peaches and cream. Many of my favorite passages talk about the reality that sometimes life is hard because of the choices we make, because of the choices others have made, and sometimes just because we live in a fallen world. For me, one of the key passages of scripture that illuminates this truth is found in James 1:2-4, “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” These verses let me know that the hard stuff has a purpose. And there’s that little word again, joy. Not only joy, but an opportunity for great joy. If I’m to have joy when I’m going through trials then joy can’t come from my circumstances.
I’ve heard that the difference between joy and happiness is that happiness depends on what is happening around you and joy comes from within. We see t-shirts and signs and bumper stickers that say “Choose joy!” like it’s an easy thing to do. Choose to wear the blue shirt, choose to have tea instead of coffee, choose to be joyful when life is hard. Knowing in your head that your joy isn’t dependent on your circumstances is one thing, but I have found it is not until you truly live through the hard stuff that you understand the concept of joy in ALL circumstances deeply.
So instead of whining and complaining to God about how unfair it is that my life is hard and it’s not fair that I have cancer, I am choosing to find the joy. Joy in my relationship with God, with my family and friends, and with Argos, joy in the sunshine and in all the little “moments” every day. I encourage you to read Psalm 30. It has become my “theme psalm”. One verse is particularly meaningful to me right now. Verse 5 says “Weeping may go on all night, but in the morning there is joy!” This reminds me that the hard part is only temporary. In my case, chemo will end at some point, at some point I will be declared “cured” and there will be much dancing and celebration. But while it is “night,” I am going to choose to be joyful with every wave of nausea, every hair that falls from my head, every ache and pain, and every tear because I am able to be treated for this disease and I will be healed.
If everything goes to plan, the upcoming week will be very busy. Gary and I are leaving Monday to return to Houston for a week of tests and hopefully my first chemotherapy treatment on Friday. We met with my oncologist last week and he was very reassuring about my prognosis. The triple negative status does place me on the more worrisome than less worrisome side, but he was very encouraging and feels chemo and surgery will completely destroy my cancer.
In addition to the standard chemotherapy regimen for breast cancer (4 cycles, every other week of Adriamycin and Cytoxan followed by Taxol every week for 12 weeks) I have been enrolled in a clinical trial for triple negative breast cancer called Artemis. There are about 500 women in this trial, including my sweet friend, Lydia. Artemis brings more poking and prodding including MRI’s, ultrasounds, biopsies, and lab work, but it also gives me options if my tumor doesn’t respond well to the traditional chemo. At the end of the Adriamycin and Cytoxan cycles, they will do additional testing to see how my tumor responded. If it has shrunk 70% or more, then they can be fairly certain the traditional chemo will do what it needs to do to “cure” my cancer and we will continue along that path. If it hasn’t responded as well, and hasn’t shrunk by 70%, then I will be given a combination of what they call “investigative agents” along with the Taxol to boost the chances of getting all the cancer. These “investigative agents” are generally chemo and immunotherapy drugs that have been approved to treat other types of cancer. I like knowing how closely they will be monitoring me and that if the traditional treatments aren’t working they will know it more quickly. I also like knowing that worst case scenario, I have options open to me other than the standard course of chemotherapy. The benefits are worth the trade off of a couple of extra biopsies and tests.
As I said, this will be a busy week coming up. Before I can have my first chemotherapy treatment, I have to have an MRI, another ultrasound, a biopsy, an echocardiogram, blood work and a port surgically implanted. I also have appointments with the plastic surgeon to discuss my options for reconstruction and with an integrative medicine doctor. Gary and I need to make sure we eat our Wheaties! We are also going to to follow Paul’s advice in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”
T.S.CONLAY 