Tested

During our latest visit to Kenya in March, 2019, our group hosted a conference for almost a hundred women from different churches in the Eldoret area. After much prayer, discussion and planning, Molly and I chose to teach on spiritual warfare and the armor of God. In Ephesians 6:12 Paul tells us, “For we are not fighting against people made of flesh and blood, but against persons without bodies—the evil rulers of the unseen world, those mighty satanic beings and great evil princes of darkness who rule this world; and against huge numbers of wicked spirits in the spirit world.” Although we may be unable to “see” these spiritual enemies with our physical eyes, we still feel the consequences of their attacks. 

As children of God, we cannot be destroyed, but Satan will use everything he can to distract, discourage, and terrorize us until we are incapable of living freely and fully the life God intended. The strongest attacks will come when and where we are proclaiming God the loudest. We can’t win a spiritual battle in our own strength; we will fail, and fail miserably, every time we try. That is why God gives us His armor to protect us. Our job is to pick up and put on each piece of the armor so that we are protected and prepared for battle.

When I wrote last Sunday that I was going to continue to chose joy and to thank God for my circumstances, I guess I drew a line in the sand that the devil just had to test. I have spent the last two months being poked, prodded, imaged and biopsied with the result being, they can tell me with 100% certainty, “Yes, Tanya, you have cancer.” This was the week we were going to actually start doing something about it. As Monday began and the schedulers started making appointments, it became clear that all the moving parts would not be in place for me to begin chemo on Friday. This was the first flaming arrow the devil sent and it hit the target dead center. I immediately sent invitations to a pity-party and proceeded to have a meltdown. The second arrow came in the form of a shipment of plants and flowers being delivered at Stines. They were a reminder that cancer had hijacked my life and I didn’t know when, or if, I would be able to spend my mornings in the yard with dirt under my fingernails. Boom, another arrow—car trouble on our trip to Houston. Boom, another arrow—my phone died (thank goodness it was only temporarily). Boom, the meltdown of the financial markets to add a bit more uncertainty to life. Boom, the coronavirus and the dangers it poses to someone whose immune system will be compromised by chemo. The final arrow in this assault was the arrival of Allie’s wedding dress at the bridal boutique. I was supposed to be there with her when she tried it on. When Allie forwarded me the email announcing her dress had been received, we both broke down and cried. I wanted to choose joy, but I could barely lift my eyes from the pit.  My shield of faith was covered in arrows and I was easily overwhelmed with despair.

Alone my shield was too small to protect me from the onslaught. That’s when my family, my friends, and my brothers and sisters in Christ stepped in. They linked their shields over me until I could breathe again and regain my strength and joy. Their prayers and encouragement reminded me I am not fighting this battle on my own or in my own strength. Jesus is with me every step of the way and He is my strength. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2 In Lord of the Rings, at one point Frodo said he couldn’t bear to carry his load anymore. He was ready to give up and give in when his friend, Sam Gamgee said, “I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.” We cannot live the Christian life alone. We need each other. This past week I needed to be carried until I could get back up and face my battle. I am so thankful for my family, for the friends God has placed in my life and for the reminder this past week that I am not in this alone. And yes, I still chose to praise God and be joyful no matter what comes my way. “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” Habakkuk 3:17-19

Even though I was unable to begin chemo this week, a lot was accomplished. I met with the surgeon to discuss my options for reconstruction after surgery, with the integrative medicine doctor about nutrition, exercise and acupuncture to help prevent nausea associated with chemo and with the health psychologist. I had a full lab work up, chest x-ray, echocardiogram, and MRI, and other than a little cancer, I am healthy as a horse. The last two items on the must do list before chemo (another biopsy required by the Artemis trial, and port placement) are scheduled for the coming week. If all goes according to plan, I will have my first chemotherapy treatment this coming Friday.