With the coronavirus quarantine it’s a good thing I love to read and love a good movie or Netflix series. I’ve never really been a chick-flick kind of girl—I prefer shoot-em-ups, especially if they involve the military or spies. Movies like American Sniper, Lone Survivor, Tears of the Sun, Togo and Secretariat are some of my favorites. I’m fascinated with the discipline and courage exemplified by our military, and I’m always onboard for a come from behind, heart of a warrior story. There is a quote from one of the military biographies that I’ve read that has stuck in my mind: “Calm is contagious.” Right now with the pandemic and our economy spiraling out of control we all need to practice a little peace and calm. Not the kind of peace and calm that things in this world can provide, but the kind that comes from God.
God promises us calm in the midst of all of life’s storms. In Him we can have calm in the midst of coronavirus, calm in the midst of chaos in the financial markets, calm in the midst of a toilet paper shortage, calm in the midst of cancer. We can’t give up hope or become angry when He doesn’t follow our script and do what we think should be done. Even though we may desperately want Him to, He doesn’t always calm the storm raging around us like He did in Matthew 8:23-27. But He does promise He is always, always with us in the storm. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This is a promise. I know as I walk through this storm of cancer, with a little pandemic and financial meltdown thrown in for good measure, Jesus is right beside me the whole way, giving me His strength to weather this storm.
This past Friday marked a turn in my cancer journey. With my first round of chemo, we transitioned into warrior mode. This is a much more comfortable place for me to be. I have always been a doer and a fighter, someone who is uncomfortable sitting still. After two months of identifying and categorizing my disease we are finally working to get rid of it. I love what Allie shared on Instagram the other day, “And because she’s just that much of an over achiever, she’s set out to survive cancer during a global pandemic.” The bigger the mountain, the sweeter the victory!
The MRI I did as part of the Artemis trial identified a very small additional mass that was separate and apart from the cluster of the three previously identified tumors. The biopsy of this new site also showed it was indeed another malignancy. This doesn’t affect my initial chemotherapy treatment, but will be something they consider as I move forward in the clinical trial and toward surgery. When the doctor came back to report it was malignant the thought that ran through my mind was, “Bring. It. On!”
I will admit I was pretty terrified of having surgery to implant a port in my vein for chemo. I don’t like the thought of knives and stitches and medical devices that become a part of my body. But as I was waiting for my surgery to begin, I felt God’s peace. I also felt His comforting presence when during my surgery, I woke up to one of my favorite songs, “What a Wonderful World,” being sung by my surgeon. As the song ended, I told him thank you for singing my favorite song, and he continued to sing and even asked if I had a special request! Such a simple thing made this surgery less scary and reminded me of God’s presence.
Chemo has been the monster under the bed that haunted my nightmares. It has been scary to think about. The informed consent, possible long-term side effects, and ways it could effect me in the coming weeks has loomed large. I worried I would become sick on the way home from Houston, that I wouldn’t be able to eat, that I would feel bad and not be able to do the things I wanted to do for weeks on end. It didn’t help that when it came time to actually administer the chemotherapy drugs the nurse had changed into full coverage gear, signifying that this was some seriously strong stuff! I have been praying for minimal side effects and I am thankful to report my prayers have been answered! I slept most of the way home from Houston and I’ve slept well every night. I’ve taken my anti-nausea meds as directed and I’ve suffered from zero nausea. I went for a short walk yesterday and a longer one today. I have rested during the day when I needed to, napped when I became tired, and enjoyed being taken care of by my family. Once I shined the light under the bed, I saw chemo wasn’t the monster I had imagined it to be.
I know that as I continue through this journey, things may change. The side effects may hit me and hit me hard. That’s ok because if my body is suffering, so is my cancer. I can’t be afraid of what may or may not happen. I’m reminded of one of my favorite Corrie Ten Boom quotes, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” I’m not going to worry about what the next round of chemo will do, what the next round of tests will show, how the financial markets will react tomorrow, or what new restrictions may be enacted due to this pandemic. I am going to focus on today and the strength God has provided. Just for today. I think we all need as much strength today as we can get.
T.S.CONLAY 