Lion

At a conference several years ago, Madison and I took a personality test—the Lion, Otter, Beaver, Golden Retriever one. When I tallied my score, every question I answered was squarely in the Lion column. Madison laughed and said, “I could have told you that before we took the test!” I was so disappointed—I wanted to be a Golden Retriever! They are kind, love helping others and are considerate and good natured. That’s how I saw myself. But the more I read about the Lion, I realized that was probably a more accurate characterization of my personality. I am kind and I do love to help others, but I am also assertive, competitive, and goal-driven. I thrive on challenges and I want to do what needs to be done NOW! I don’t have a lot of patience. The slow pace of my treatment and the quarantine have been especially hard for me because I am ready to move forward! I’m ready for this journey to be at its end and life to be normal again.

God created me with a lion personality. Isaiah 64:8 says, “But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.” God formed me exactly like He wanted me to be. He gave me the inner strength to face this challenge head on because He knew what was ahead of me. He knew the battle I was going to face would be a hard one and He made sure I would be able to withstand it. I told one of my doctors this past week that I didn’t think I would see myself as a cancer survivor when this was all over. That term didn’t seem like it fit what was happening in my life. I feel more like a cancer warrior. I wake up and do battle with an enemy that’s trying to steal my joy and steal my life every single day. I may come out on the other side of this battle scarred, but cancer will not win. God made me a warrior. We don’t get to choose everything that happens to us, but we always have a choice in how we respond. I choose to embrace my cancer scars, face my battles and trust in God’s goodness.

This past week I had another MRI and ultrasound as part of the Artemis Clinical Trial to judge my tumors response to the traditional chemotherapy regimen. My tumors had shrunk, but not as much as I or my doctor had hoped they would. The MRI showed the original tumors had shrunk only about 30%. A change below 25% is considered insignificant. My oncologist likes to tell stories and he explained it this way. When you are driving in west Texas you can see for miles and speed limits are “optional”. If you are going a hundred miles an hour and you see someone up ahead pull out in front of you, you will take your foot off the accelerator and push the brake. But before you begin to slow, you may actually continue to accelerate for a fraction of a second. It’s just the law of physics. Then when your foot hits the brake you will begin to slow very quickly. Two rounds of chemotherapy are like taking your foot off the accelerator, that is the tumor is no longer growing, but it’s still there. We are “slowing” the cancer, but not as quickly as I had hoped.  

I’ve now had three of four rounds of A/C chemotherapy. After the fourth round on May 1, I will have another MRI, ultrasound, and biopsy of my tumors. At this point, if my tumors have not shrunk by 70% or more, in addition to the standard treatment of 12 weekly rounds of Taxol, I will receive one or more “investigative” drugs to boost my chances of killing all the cancer cells.  My doctor said it was more likely than not that I would have to go this route. I am so thankful I am at MDA where I have options. 

I am God’s beloved daughter. I am His child, and the battles I am facing are His battles. He will not leave me alone in this fight. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 I will be strong, I will be courageous. God is at my side in this battle.