If you are a parent, at some point you have probably heard the words “You aren’t the boss of me!” escaping from the lips of one or more of your children. In my case, it was usually accompanied with hands on the hips and a defiant jut to the chin. Testing limits is part of childhood and developing into adults who can successfully navigate life. Of course being faced with a defiant two year old who doesn’t see the merits of a bath before bed can be frustrating. Life would be simpler if our children would just follow the rules and do what we say! Or would it?
Call me a rebel, but I’ve always been secretly pleased when my children pushed back on the limits I imposed. That pre-bath defiance, while exhausting, also held the seeds of independence, leadership, and an ability to reason and think on their own. On the outside, my face may have appeared stern and disapproving (the required Mom face to ensure a bath was taken), but on the inside, I was doing a happy dance and giving them a mental way-to-go fist bump! During our parenting years, I was usually the rule maker. I wanted to raise happy, healthy, well-bathed children who could think for themselves, question authority when necessary, and be prepared to make a difference in the lives of others. Gary did too, but between the two of us, he was always the softie. Just ask Argos, who begs for supper from no one but him, knowing Gary will always give him a bite, or ten, during dinner.
Being able to reason and think for yourself is especially crucial when the world is telling you up is down and down is up. In this season of corona and pandemic, it is incredibly difficult to wade through the conflicting comments, information and crazy that’s broadcast over the internet. Proverbs 18:17 says, “Any story sounds true until someone tells the other side and sets the record straight.” This is why it is critically important to always ask God for His wisdom. Only with His wisdom, and by asking questions, can we truly determine what is right. This is a life skill we all need, and not just in this season of national chaos.
God’s wisdom also allows us to truly understand that the inconveniences, troubles, trials, and illnesses we face all have a purpose. From the slightest inconvenience—having to learn patience while waiting for things like flour and yeast to get back in stock in the stores—to more concerning issues—cancer cells that don’t shrink as much as they should in response to chemo—each of these situations can and will be used by God to strengthen my faith and hopefully the faith of those around me. One way to do this is to live according to the scriptures found in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” I can find no better example of this than during my chemo infusion this past Friday.
Early on during this season of covid, cancer and chaos, Allie and I were both derailed by something that should have brought great joy—her wedding dress had finally arrived! Instead, we were both heartbroken and brought to tears by the news. I was supposed to be there when she tried it on. It was supposed to be a season of celebration. In the midst of our pity party, we viewed this loss as one more thing cancer had robbed from us. But with the passage of time, we have both come to realize that it was up to us to continue to choose joy even in the midst of these less than happy circumstances. As the Covid restrictions were eased this past week, Allie called for an appointment to pick up her dress. She was a little sad that she would be going by herself, but excited to finally get her dress. The time the bridal salon had available on Friday was right smack in the middle of my final A/C infusion. I wasn’t able to be there in person, but it was such a joy-filled moment! As I sat in the infusion room at MD Anderson, with nurses preparing to administer my last Red Devil, I was able to FaceTime with Allie in her wedding dress! She was beautiful! She was beaming!!! I couldn’t stop smiling behind my mandatory face mask, while happy tears were rolling down my cheeks. My nurses even got a sneak peak at the beautiful bride and our happiness was contagious. Not only did Allie and I feel joy, real from the bottom of our toes joy, we spread this to others. So just for a little while, Allie and I put our hands on our hips, jutted out our chins, and told cancer “You aren’t the boss of us!”
This week will be a week of rest for me and planning for my medical team. Most of the testing has been completed on my tumor and two of the four possible clinical trial tracks have already been eliminated. The final test results should be completed Monday or Tuesday. The team will meet Wednesday to discuss my case, and should have a final recommendation on the clinical trial they feel will provide the best shot at eradicating my cancer. By Thursday the path forward will be in place. My next appointments at MDA will be for another MRI and ultrasound on the 14th. Hopefully these will show that the tumors have continued to shrink, although my oncologist feels I still won’t meet the 70% threshold to continue the standard treatment alone. I will begin twelve weekly infusions of Taxol beginning the 15th. If the results from the MRI and ultrasound confirm my tumors have shrunk by less than 70%, the plan is to begin the investigative drugs on that day as well. I am so thankful God has led me to the team at MDA and has cleared the path for me to continue my treatment there during this unprecedented time of upheaval. I have confidence in my doctors and that the treatments they are prescribing will rid me of this cancer. I feel honored that my participation in this clinical trial can be a part of moving toward a cure for triple negative breast cancer.
T.S.CONLAY 