After nearly 36 years of marriage I’m starting to think like my husband. If you’ve ever been in one of Gary’s Sunday School classes or listened to him teach, you know whatever the situation, he has a movie clip or song lyric to go along with it to illustrate his point. His knowledge is encyclopedic. Gary’s ability to remember just the right snippet of dialogue from a movie he watched one time in 1993 and relate it to his current subject is incredible. Although I will never reach his level of expertise, I am finding myself more and more relating the crazy events of my day to some obscure movie or song. Lately, the soundtrack of my life has become quite eclectic.
There is no way to sugarcoat it, Friday was a hard day. My oncologist gave me the results from my MRI and ultrasound the day before—my tumors had not shrunk significantly since my previous scans. In fact, the ultrasound suggested it may have grown slightly. Overall my tumors have shrunk a little less than 30% since I started chemo. (For standard chemo to be considered effective, my tumors needed to have shrunk by 70% or more.) Not exactly what I wanted to hear. As I listened, with tears in my eyes, The Rolling Stones began to sing in my head, “You can’t always get what you want, you can’t always get what you want…”
I wanted my doctor to tell me that miraculously my tumor had disappeared and after only four chemotherapy treatments I was healed. No need for 12 more weeks of chemo, surgery, radiation or any more nasty stuff. I wanted to be told my life was mine again and I could see my kids and grandkids in California without worrying about catching COVID or even a cold. I wanted to be able to walk up and down every single aisle at Target, twice, just because I could. I wanted to be able to have lunch, at a restaurant, with a friend. Instead, what I got was 12 more weeks of chemotherapy and immunotherapy, followed by surgery, more immunotherapy, possibly radiation and then reconstructive surgery. The most powerful blow came when I did not get to start the Atezolizumab and Abraxane combination this week due to a hold up with my health insurance. So Friday afternoon Gary and I drove home mostly lost in our own thoughts and fears.
The book of Psalms is a great comfort to me. In my bible, many of the pages of this book are tear stained and marked with handwritten notes. Psalm 145 is about how God provides for all living things. He is the provider and sustainer. Verses 14-16 say, “The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing.” I was certainly bowed down by my circumstances on Friday, but God was with me. His Word reminded me that He would provide for my every need—in due season. God knows what I need so much better than I do. Perhaps He knew my body needed an extra week to recover before I started the new treatments. Maybe there was bad weather or an accident we avoided by postponing the first round of treatments. Sometimes the things I want are not in my best interest and God, as my loving Father, has to step in and withhold those things. Other times, the thing I need most is the thing I don’t want to have anything to do with. Thankfully, God knows me and His plan for me better than I do and will give me what I need, in due season. I may not always get what I want, but God will always give me what I need.
Hopefully I will begin the new treatment this coming Friday. If not, it’s in God’s hands. The clinical nurse explained that there are some pretty rough potential side effects including kidney damage, thyroid issues or liver damage. However to me, none are as bad as allowing my cancer to continue to grow and thrive. I feel extremely blessed to be a part of the Artemis Clinical Trial at MDA. Because of the extra monitoring of my tumors, we know after 8 weeks that the standard chemotherapy isn’t working on my cancer instead of finding out after the full 20 weeks of chemo and surgery. In addition, the molecular testing they did on my tumors has identified a path the doctors feel will be effective in treating my particular cancer. My oncologist isn’t just treating a case of triple negative breast cancer—he is treating MY triple negative breast cancer with the most targeted treatment currently available. There are over 500 women who have participated in the Artemis Clinical Trial since it began in 2015. Out of that number, there are just over 20 of us who have received or are currently receiving the Atezolizumab and Abraxane combination. One of these women is my sweet friend, Lydia. Think of the odds—of the almost 300,000 women diagnosed with breast cancer each year, not only were we both diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer, we are two of just twenty something women who have received or are receiving this particular combination of drugs in a clinical trial at MDA. Knowing her story and seeing how healthy she is today gives me tremendous hope my cancer too will respond positively to this treatment regimen.
Throughout this journey God has prepared the way and provided for my needs in so many ways. He may not give me everything my heart desires, but in due season, He will give me everything I need.
T.S.CONLAY 