This has been one crazy year. Nothing feels “normal” any more. Up is down and down is up. Life feels unsettled and uncomfortable. The activities that formed the rhythm of my life have been changed—no trips to the Farmer’s Market with Allie in Clovis, no walks to the park with Delphine and Fritz, no lunches with friends, no coming together for encouragement and Bible study, no going to worship on Sunday. Even the simple task of buying groceries is complicated—I haven’t seen the inside of a grocery store since February! Many of the “givens” I have built my life on are no longer rock steady. Social distancing and the need to isolate to stay healthy with my compromised immune system have left me locked behind a computer screen, sitting on the other side of a closed window, while life goes on without me. Tomorrow seems so uncertain and trying to figure it out leaves me anxious and fearful.
Change is inevitable. Uncertainty is a certainty. I cannot know my future.
As I sat wringing my hands this week worrying about when our power would be restored, what the pathology report would show, and about life in general, I realized that even with all this upheaval and discombobulation, there were some truths I knew that would never change.
- God loves me totally and unconditionally. There is nothing I could ever do to make Him love me more or love me less. I am His. “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” 1 John 3:1
- God has a plan for my life. I can’t see the future like God can and I don’t necessarily understand how what I’m experiencing today fits into His plan, but His word tells me the plan is good. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
- God will take the bad things in my life—like cancer—and will use them for my good and His glory. Cancer is mean, nasty and ugly. It steals and destroys. But God can, and is, using my experience to deepen my reliance on Him, and to enable me to reach out and encourage others facing health challenges. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
- God’s will for my life hasn’t changed. “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” Micah 6:8 “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 I must act justly, be kind, walk humbly, rejoice, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances—even triple negative breast cancer.
The choice of where to focus is up to me. If I focus on my problems and the uncertainty of tomorrow, I will spend my days anxious and fearful. But by keeping my focus on the things I am certain of—God’s love, His promises, His goodness instead of the craziness of life—I can laugh without fear of the future.
Walking into the hospital alone last Monday morning was tough. I kept repeating a phrase from the kids show, Rugrats, with every step I took, reminding myself I was a “big brave dog” not a “scaredy-cat.” While they were preparing me for surgery I received an audio message from my friends Jael and James Esendi in Kenya, praying for peace, for my doctors, and my surgery. As I listened to it over and over I did feel peace knowing my friends and family were praying for me. After surgery, in my hospital room, I realized the prayer Shea had been lifting up for a special nurse to make me feel comfortable had been answered. As we were talking I shared how much I missed hugs from my friends. She stopped what she was doing and gave me a big hug! Gary, Madison and I traveled home Thursday. Thankfully our power was finally restored this afternoon—11 days without power!—and I am finally able to settle in at home. Argos is happy! I am sore, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m walking about a mile and a half each day and I’m getting stronger. We go back to Houston this week for follow-up surgical appointments and my first post-surgery atezolizumab infusion. I will also get the pathology report from my surgery which will determine, in part, whether or not I will have radiation. I’m not going to worry about what tomorrow may or may not bring. Whatever comes, God will walk me through it.
T.S.CONLAY 