It takes a lot of energy to wrestle with a bear. Since February every ounce of energy I’ve had has been used fighting my bear—triple negative breast cancer. It has consumed my mental and physical energy and nearly every minute of my time. Countless hours have been spent researching just how vicious my particular bear can be, what limited treatments are available for my particular bear, and what options would give me the best shot at defeating my bear. Add the weekly trips to Houston, nights away from home, hours spent in doctors offices and infusion centers, surgery and a hospital stay, and there hasn’t been time for much else in my life—or Gary’s for that matter. But the fight is almost done. I have three more immunotherapy infusions that will continue to strengthen my own immune response to any triple negative breast cancer cells that may rear their ugly head down the road, and two, possibly three, more surgeries to go. Today I am cancer free and as Papaw would tell me, I can fight a bear for a couple more months.
Much of my Bible reading and study during this season has been in the Old Testament. Rereading the stories of Joseph, David, and Job have kept me focused on God’s steadfast love and mercy in times of trial and discouragement. Lately the story of the Israelites deliverance from the Egyptians and their trek to the Promised Land has really resonated with me. They had their own particular bear—Pharaoh—to deal with. When it was time, God brought them out of Egypt and to the edge of the Red Sea where to them, the situation seemed even more hopeless. They were stuck between an army intent on killing them and a sea they couldn’t cross on their own. So they whined. They complained. And in the midst of their panic and unbelief, God delivered them on dry land to the other side. God defeated an enemy too big for them to fight on their own, in a way only He could accomplish.
I can relate to the Israelites. I too needed to be delivered from a bear too big for me to defeat on my own. When my trek began down the path of standard chemotherapy treatment I was hopeful I was leaving my Egypt. My “Red Sea moment” came when it was discovered my particular cancer was not responding to standard chemotherapy and was, in fact, growing. I could stay the course and be overtaken by my cancer or I could step out in faith and chose to trust a clinical trial therapy. But first I whined. And complained. Through it all, God had a plan. Long before my diagnosis, He had prepared and set in motion so many moving pieces to get me to MDA and in the Artemis Clinical Trial. From the day of my diagnosis, the thought that repeatedly ran through my head was if I were to survive this, I had to be at MDA and participate in the Artemis Clinical Trial. At my very first appointment I told my oncologist I wanted to be in the Artemis Clinical Trial before he even mentioned the possibility of a clinical trial for my cancer. I believe this was God whispering His plan of deliverance to my heart. I am so thankful I listened and acted on His plan.
The big mama bear of triple negative breast cancer may have been defeated, but her cubs are still around. I’m currently wrestling with the cub of reconstruction. I had been so focused on getting rid of the cancer that I didn’t really pay attention to how difficult or how long the reconstruction process would be. I will be wrestling with that particular cub for a while. I also find myself from time to time wrestling with the cub of body image. This one was a sneak attack that ambushed me out of the blue. However the biggest cub, by far, is the cub of “life after cancer.” She is elusive. She hides in the tree line, waiting. I can’t yet picture my life after cancer, what it will look like, how to return to “normal” life. The pandemic has skewed any semblance of normalcy into something strange and unnatural. I want my life after cancer to be filled to overflowing with time spent with my family—holidays, beach trips, babysitting grandchildren, and Allie & Josh’s wedding. I also want to enjoy those early morning conversations with family over a cup of coffee, quietly enjoying time spent together doing nothing in particular. As much as I enjoy the quiet tick of my great-grandfather’s clock, I want to hear the laughter of friends in my kitchen as we share a pot of gumbo together. But more than anything, I want my life after cancer to have meaning and purpose. I know God has brought me through this incredibly difficult season and His plan didn’t end when He got me to the other side. I know He has a plan and a purpose moving forward, I just can’t see it yet. “Your word is a lamp for my steps; it lights the path before me.” Psalm 119:105 I want to see the whole plan laid out in front of me. I want to know exactly where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. But that’s not how God generally does things. He illuminates one step at a time. And when we take that step in obedience, He shows us the next one. One day at a time, one step at a time. So today, while I am in the “in-between” part of God’s plan I will try to be patient and wait for His timing to show me life after cancer. He will provide the plan and the strength needed to accomplish it. I know whatever God has in store, it will be better than anything I could imagine for myself.
T.S.CONLAY 